5 Common Sexual Challenges + How To Heal Them
Sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship. Anyone who has ever experienced issues or challenges in this realm knows what I mean. When the sexual part of a relationship is diminished or non-existent, and when we personally don’t feel confident or connected to our own sexuality and sexiness, it bleeds into every other area of the relationship (and our lives!) as well. It can be like the very large and in charge elephant in the room if left unaddressed.
One of the main reasons why people experience sexual challenges in relationships is because of the lack of education and support available, and especially the lack of holistic education and support available. By holistic, I mean the emotional, energetic & spiritual implications and solutions that accompany the physical challenges of sex.
Sex is not only a physical act—it is a multi-dimensional experience that includes emotion, energetics & spirituality, and the more we are able to integrate all of those dimensions into the act of sex, the better it gets (and I promise you, it can ALWAYS get better!).
I believe when we feel sexy and connected to our sexuality, we feel connected to the truest and deepest part of ourselves, and this allows us to feel expressed, as well as more satisfied and fulfilled by life! Feeling connected to our sexuality, and knowing how to integrate our spirituality into our sexuality, allows us to feel closer in our relationships to our partners and to God (the Divine, the Creative Force, the Universe).
Here are five of the most common sexual concerns, dysfunctions & challenges for women, and a holistic perspective on how to heal them!
Problem 1: Having little to no desire for sex
Address Your Desire For Life: If you have little to no desire for sex, you likely have little to no connection to your desire for life in general. What do you desire in life? How do you desire to feel in life? Are you connected to your desires, or are they foreign? Do the activities you do on a daily basis support your desires, and your desired feelings? Are the people you surround yourself with people you desire to be around? Do you still desire your partner? Do you have desires that you’re repressing or pushing to the side, claiming that they’re unimportant, unattainable, or that it’s not the right time for them?
Go Back to Basics: Our desires are what fuel us and give us new life. If we feel low desire in the bedroom, it’s likely because we are low on fuel, or low on life force energy. We can re-ignite our life force by going back to basics of what fuels us: food, exercise, meditation & breath work, and incorporating simple activities that bring us joy.
I once went through a period of time where I felt little to no desire for sex, and it was a time when I felt defeated, lack of purpose, and downright depressed. I created change by getting to my favorite workout classes regularly, eating really clean and nourishing foods, and having fun cooking myself meals. I also bought myself a puzzle to work on, and a book of sudoku puzzles. I shifted my focus to refueling myself with workouts and nutrition, and two very simple activities that occupied my time, that allowed me to experience tiny wins and small glimpses of simple joy in my days. From there, it became easier to feel more energized, and eventually get back to feeling bigger feelings of desire in my life + in the bedroom!
Make Sex a Priority: Sexual desire is a use-it-or-lose it situation. If we have stopped prioritizing it and investing in that part of life, then it can easily disappear. The best way to get back into the habit of prioritizing sex is to schedule it in! As un-sexy as it sounds to schedule sex, it’s way less sexy to continue ignoring it and not having it! If you’re single, add in solo sex dates where you put on your favorite outfits, and play around with seducing yourself and getting to know yourself by looking at yourself and learning to touch yourself. If you’re in a relationship, converting your dinner/drink dates to sex dates will absolutely change your life. Make sexual play the priority of the date, and get food afterward, rather than the other way around!
Problem 2: Unable to get in the mood when the opportunity presents itself
Learn to Take off the Masculine Mask and Slip into the Feminine: This is where your feminine energy comes into play. As women, we tend to have a core essence of feminine energy, however we typically tend to spend our days working in the masculine energy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this, the problem lies in our inability to shift into feminine mode when we come home from/log off of work. Give yourself time each day to slip out of your masculine mode, and into your feminine energy. This makes it easy and natural to transition into a sexual experience. Here are a few examples to help you slip into your feminine energy daily:
Change out of your work day clothes and intentionally think about slipping into your feminine as your slip into a new outfit
Take a luxurious hot bath or a shower (a cold or hot shower works) to wash off the day
Give yourself a breast massage with coconut oil or sweet almond oil, and consciously imagine dropping into your heart space and allowing that space to open to love
Put on a song and spend a few minutes dancing and moving your body to shake off the day and really get into your body
Lie down, meditate, and tune into your breath, your womb and your yoni to relax your nervous system and allow you to already be dropped in and in a more sensual space
Create a bigger window for sex with a longer runway of foreplay: Instead of thinking of sex starting the moment the two of you come together to have sex, start the sexual play 72 hours in advance. Start flirting, talking dirty, sending photos—whatever floats your boat—3 days before you’re actually going to have sex. Create a really hot energy build-up so that you’re already dropped in and in the mood 3 days before the actual physical act. Then once you come together physically, give yourself an abundance of time to really drop in before the more intense parts of the experience commence.
Master the Art of Relaxation & Full Body Presence: In order for a woman to become sexually aroused, she needs to be in her parasympathetic nervous system—this is rest and digest mode. Practice consciously getting into this mode daily with embodiment, deep breathing, and meditation, rather than with tv or social media, and then once the actual act of sex starts, practice breathing really slowly and deeply, and paying super close attention to your body’s sensations, the pleasures you feel, all the details you notice about your partner, and if a thought comes into your mind about something other than sex, imagine it floating away or being erased.
Problem 3: Vaginal Dryness & Lack of Natural Lubrication
Wait Longer Before Penetration & Learn to Listen to Your Body’s Wisdom: If you’re experiencing vaginal dryness, you may not be waiting long enough before allowing penetration. There is absolutely no rush during sex. A woman’s body needs an abundance of time to become properly aroused and warmed up. Think of a large pot of water that is placed over heat, being brought to a boil. It takes some time! My personal gauge on whether or not I’m ready for penetration is if I’m literally dripping and begging for penetration—and not a second sooner.
Lubrication is the body’s way of letting us know that she’s warmed up and she’s ready. By ignoring this vital sign and overriding her cues by utilizing lube, we are further disconnecting from our body’s wisdom and our pleasure. There is never any rush for penetration, and never a requirement of it. Sometimes the body does not want to be penetrated. You can still have a very sexy and intimate experience with a partner without including penetration.
The more you ignore your body’s wisdom, the quieter it gets. The more you ignore your body’s pleasure signals, the more you numb yourself out or go into pain.
Problem 4: Unexplainable Pain During Sex
Learn to Understand the Metaphysical Causes of the Pain: If you feel unexplained pain during sex, and you’ve consulted a doctor or medical professional about it, consider attempting to understand the pain from an emotional/energetic/spiritual point of view. Get really honest with yourself about the potential source of this pain. On some level, your body knows the root cause. You can discover this and work through it with a therapist or coach, and going by into meditation.
There is a myriad of reasons why a yoni may be experiencing pain during sex: a past traumatic situation you experienced, feeling lots of pressure to perform, deep mistrust of men/your partner, hatred or deep anger toward men/your partner, issues with your own femininity, or not feeling fully expressed. Another reason could simply be that your body is quite sensitive and may require softer and gentler pressure and speed during penetration.
Sometimes, when a woman is experiencing healing, she starts to uncover pain in this part of the body, that could be from old experiences that are coming up now to be cleared. If we don’t deal with situations, they are stored here. Sometimes there isn’t physical pain, but emotional pain and fear that starts to come up during sex, and we experience crying during sex. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if this is coming up, and you can work through it and experience pleasure. You can set the intention to release this old pain the next time you enter a sexual situation. Be patient with yourself, inform your partner what you’re working with, and learn to breathe deeply and stay in your body. You are totally safe now.
Problem 5: Inability to reach orgasm
Shift Your Focus to Listening, Experiencing & Letting Go: Orgasm has everything to do with letting go, surrendering, and allowing pleasure. Sometimes the pathway is to let go of the “goal” to reach orgasm altogether, and shift the focus to simply feeling pleasure and sensations, and enjoying every moment of the experience. By staying focused on breath, energy flow, and pleasure sensations, we stay in listening and experiencing mode, and this is exactly what is needed to take us into orgasmic mode! If orgasms are foreign or unfamiliar to you, or if you’ve only experienced clitoral orgasms, start studying about the deeper kinds of orgasms you can have at your g-spot and your cervix.
Re-Sensitize Your Yoni: If you feel that you are numb in this part of your body, or have difficulty really feeling pleasure and sensation, re-sensitize the nerves in the vagina through yoni massage, or working with a crystal tool such as a yoni egg or a crystal wand. Form a deep relationship with your womb and yoni in a meditative and spiritual way, receive energy work such as Reiki energy healing on this part of your body, do kundalini yoga, and possibly most importantly, learn to let go of control outside of the bedroom! This will make it a lot easier and more familiar to let go in the bedroom.
These tips are just the tip of the iceberg on the journey into sensual and sexual healing and empowerment, and they are very solid tips that you can start to incorporate into your lifestyle now, that will bring you blessings of health and pleasure forever, beyond the bedroom, too!
If you’d like to go deeper and receive support on your healing and empowerment journey, I can help you! Please book a call with me and we can chat more!
Lots of love,
Susan
*Disclaimer: Susan Ray is not a licensed medical doctor, therapist, chiropractor, osteopathic physician, naturopathic doctor, nutritionist, pharmacist, psychologist, psychotherapist, neuroscientist, or other formally licensed healthcare professional, practitioner or provider of any kind. Susan Ray does not render medical, psychological, or other professional advice or treatment, nor does she provide or prescribe any medical diagnosis, treatment, medication, or remedy. The information provided on and accessible from this page/website and our workshops is for informational purposes only and should not be considered to be healthcare advice or medical diagnosis, treatment or prescribing. None of this information should be considered a promise of benefits, a claim of cures, a legal warranty or a guarantee of results to be achieved. This information is not intended as a substitute for advice from your physician or other healthcare professionals, or any notifications or instructions contained in or on any product label or packaging. You should not use this information for diagnosis or treatment of any health problem or for prescription of any medication or other treatment. You should consult with a healthcare professional before altering or discontinuing any current medications, treatment or care, starting any diet, exercise or supplementation program, or if you have or suspect you might have a health problem. Please read our full disclaimer here.