A Letter to My Exes...

At a very young age, I set out to become the very best version of myself that I could possibly be. Because of this desire, I was gifted with teacher after teacher to help me grow. Most of my teachers have come in the form of romantic partners. Have you ever considered that your intimate relationships exist to serve as your greatest teachers? Have you ever thanked any of your romantic partners for what they’ve taught you?

My first attempt at writing this post turned out exactly opposite of how I desired for it to turn out. It read like a comical story of how I experienced each one of my partners, and pinpointed exactly which of their qualities didn’t work for me. I actually ended up asking one of my past partners for help (he is now one of my greatest friends - a story for another post!). I read him what I had written, and he said “be careful with how you’re deflecting all your experiences.” This is the exact message I needed to hear. Go figure - part of my learning process was in writing this very post.

I believe that when we are able to look at another’s behavior, whether it irritates us or brings us great joy, and see it as a mirror of our own behavior, this is our most surefire way to ascend to a higher quality version of ourselves. But, of course, this is much easier said than done, and it is most definitely easier to deflect our experiences and judge/blame our partners for how they’re showing up for us. However, if we want to be the very best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be, we must do the work to get there. And it’s actually quite fun, if you let it be!

I met my first boyfriend at age 18. He provided me with the most incredible experience of falling in love at a young age, so that I would never settle for anything less than the truest, most passionate love. Most of our dysfunction was rooted in a fundamental religious disagreement. I used to blame this on his “religious guilt,” but now I see that he provided me with a big experience to decide that I was 100% done with the religious restrictions I had grown up with.

My next boyfriend would probably not agree that he was ever my boyfriend. Back when I dated him, he refused to admit that I was his girlfriend. I was too afraid to address this during the relationship, and went on to blame him for it for several years, but now I see - he provided me with this experience to teach me how much it means to me to be officially, publicly committed to my partner.

The next guy I dated was so, so kind. I cared about him very much. So much so, that I used to put all his wants and needs several levels above my own. I used to blame him for constantly choosing his friends over me, but he was showing me that I was choosing his friends over me, too. He taught me how important it is to take care of myself, and to fill my own cup before I try to fill anyone else’s. But that’s not all he taught me. He taught me how much I desire a relationship that is rich in intimacy and clear, verbal expression of feelings, because those two things were not things that he and I practiced with one another. I spent over two years constantly suppressing my truth to him because it felt like it would be too scary and too uncomfortable to speak it out loud. What I didn’t realize is that I was actually making myself more uncomfortable by not speaking my truth.

My most recent ex-partner taught me some of the greatest lessons of all. I used to blame him for being manipulative, but I now understand that I needed to experience that kind of behavior in order to learn the magnitude of my own power, and how to stand in it. I also used to blame him for his lack of commitment to me, but now I understand that I needed to experience that kind of behavior in order to learn how to commit to myself (and not to expect commitment from others if I wasn’t first committed to myself and my own dreams).

A lot of my past relationships felt really hurtful and confusing when they ended. Looking back with a reflective lens (rather than a deflective lens) has allowed me to see each one of my past partners as a great teacher that I can be thankful for, and to look to each one with respect instead of resentment. I needed each and every one of these partners, and each and every one of the experiences they provided me, in order to become closer to my truest self, and to become closer to the dream relationship that I truly desire. So to each and every one of my exes - I see you, I’m sorry for blaming you, and I thank you!